"Dr. I Don't Know"

Washington Redskin running back Clinton Portis has serious issues:

ASHBURN, Va. -- A career-worst rushing performance didn't keep Clinton Portis from donning another crazy costume.

The Washington Redskins running back wore a huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache Thursday for his weekly meeting with reporters. It was the fifth time in six weeks that he has dressed up for the scribes and cameras.

"I'm Dr. I Don't Know," Portis said. "The real name is Dr. Don't Know."

Portis then had some grim news about the character he assumed last week, "Jerome from Southeast D.C."

"I would like to pronounce that Southeast Jerome died late Sunday night," Portis said. "He won't be with us any longer, so you guys were the first to hear."

Sounds like the same thing that happened to the Redskins, who lost 36-0 to the New York Giants on Sunday.

So how did Jerome meet his demise?

"Dr. Don't Know don't know a lot," Portis said. "Complication of a panic attack. He never traveled back with us from New York. The guy, he had an amazing upside. I talked to his family and friends. He's going to be missed, but on with this life."

Portis then led a brief moment of silence for Jerome.

Seriously.

Portis then said that Jerome got robbed after getting "caught up in one of those poker rooms," a reference to a report that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been playing poker in illegal clubs.

Portis' costumes seem to get more bizarre by the week, regardless of how he plays or whether the Redskins win or lose. He rushed for a career-low 9 yards in the Giants game.

"I think Sunday was a one-game aberration. For whatever reason, the Giants had our number," Portis said. "When we were stinking up the place last year, we didn't play like that."

OK, enough of the serious questions. Inquiring minds want to know: Why Dr. Don't Know?

"I don't know much of nothing," Portis said. "But if you want to take what I'm talking about seriously, then listen."

And those glasses? Are they from Mardi Gras, or some strange opera?

"They're actually from surgery," Portis said. "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome. These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."

And, finally, the hair?

"A lot of time in the laser room," Portis said. "In radiology, we're doing a lot of things, and it just so happens it grew out this color."

Thanks a lot, Clinton. See you next week.